My Big Mouth

My father always used to tell me that my mouth would get me in trouble. And as a child, it often did. I believe he was of the opinion that children should not be seen nor heard. But lately, his words keep echoing in my head. It seems everything I say turns out wrong and not as I intended. Perhaps it is the sleep deprivation or my lack of patience after dealing with babies 24/7. Perhaps I am noticing myself more, from that observer viewpoint. If there are two selves within me, one being the watcher and one being the ego based doer, then how do I gain control? And who exactly is the I?

I try to have conversations with my children (teenagers) and my husband, my friends and relatives, but everything ends up sounding so immature and negative. Who am I? I decided that perhaps I should just keep my mouth closed for a while and maybe I would straighten up. So, I stopped blogging. I stopped calling people. I put myself in timeout. I don't think it's working. I sure am lonely now. Nobody calls me anymore. But why would they? I snap at them and state my opinions point blank without any empathy. But really, sometimes I get tired of the same old crap. If they want to continue to tell me their same old problems, without really doing anything about it, then how should I respond?

And then I think, aha! that's me. The people around me are only reflecting back what I'm sending out. I have been whining about being tired, not having any time to paint or write, being a full time, under-appreciated mom, etc. How am I different than anybody else? I'm not. So I should shut up already and get on with it.

Oh, yeah, and for everyone out there I have offended lately, I'm truly sorry.

Time

I'm having a bit of trouble with the whole concept of time not meaning anything. Time doesn't exist in the spiritual realm. But it sure seems that I don't have enough of it anymore. The days are just not long enough to get everything done. The babies take up almost every moment. So I suppose that when the time is right I will gain the extra few minutes I need to catch up on so many things, this blog included.

I will say that I'm trying to be more present in the now more often. And I've started reading "The Course on Miracles." Heavy indeed. I've been stumbling over the language a lot. This is a book that needs some studying, which would mean more time. I wonder if the three or so weeks we have it checked out from the library will be enough time?

And I'm trying so hard not to judge and finding that I judge a lot. Even the simple judgments like "he's mad at me" lead to troublesome thinking. That thinking thing again. More than one person has told me I think too much. Certainly true. But when I'm trying to decipher everything from a spiritual perspective, I can't help but think, can I? I wonder who that is? Is it the spirit me or the ego me? Thinking takes time too. I guess if I give that up there will be more time?

While this post seems to be written in some sort of code or abstract, in my defense, I have been reading Eckart Tolle's "The Power of Now," and watching the Wayne Dyer DVDS when I feed the baby. My mind is trying to take all of this profound wisdom in, and then I have to apply it to my life. Hard work indeed to be on top of every thought, live in the present now, meditate to connect to the source energy, stop judging, and fight my ego.

Oh, and take care of the house and the kids. No wonder I'm so tired and time seems to be slipping away...