On meditation

What is it about all of these spiritual books that outline specifically how to do something...meditate for so many minutes in the morning, preferably when you are alone and the house is quiet...get up early if you have to. Okay. I'm not getting up any earlier. Sometimes Babygirl wakes up at 4am. I think I need all of the sleep I can get. And really, when am I alone? And a quiet house? Perhaps meditation is for singles or retired folks. So I've decided that any meditation I can get in is good, even if that is right before I'm falling asleep in bed at night. My meditation sessions usually involve slipping into a semi-comatose state where weird dream images flit through my head, before I drift into sleep anyway. Clear my head? I'm still working on that one. I try so hard to keep my mind on one image, pulling it back from fantasy land, but in the end the dreams win and I can't recall a productive meditation session at all. And when the new baby comes? Can I meditate while I'm breastfeeding? I'll have to try that. What about in the shower? Does the world really have to stop around me? What if it won't? I don't ever have time alone when I can just sit in a quiet, peaceful state. So how am I supposed to make this work? Manifest my desires...only if I follow the guidelines outlined by the experts? Maybe. Maybe not. Meditation is about getting in touch with spirit, with my God-self. I should be able to do that while being a mom. After all, what is more natural and holy than breastfeeding a perfect newborn infant?

And the vision board seems to be working. Put an image of a house up and Babygirl sleeping in her crib. Two out of three nights she has slept until at least 5am before she wants to join me in bed. Not too bad. I changed the original house image. We drove around looking at some of the houses we found online. My favorite turned out to be in a less than desirable location, and one I sort of liked is actually in a great neighborhood. So I swapped them around. We'll see what happens next. Kind of exciting.

Birthdays and the Vision Board

Had a wonderful birthday on Tuesday. My mother and sister brought me b-day cards with money in them. The best gift. So we spent the day shopping. Bought a baby corral for Babygirl, and a booster seat so she can sit at the table and eat with us, freeing the highchair for new baby. We also got her a rocking horse, which is just plain adorable. We finished the day eating dinner (the whole family!) at a great little Mexican restaurant downtown (my favorite). Everyone got along. Everyone was happy. Even the teenagers. Wonderful day!

So, I'm hoping the baby corral will help out with my space problem. If I have babygirl contained, maybe I can really break out the paints and paint at the dining room table. I'm hopeful. She's not too happy about being trapped behind her little fence, but if I stay close, it might be manageable.

Also, put the first image on the vision board: one of the houses we like in a suburb way south of town. It's a newer ranch with 3 bds and 2 baths on the main level, along with a living room, dining room, kitchen and laundry, and two car garage. No stairs!!! But, it also has a full unfinished basement which we can turn into more bedrooms, a family room and a studio. The space is there, at least, and I can set up a studio in a corner somewhere. Who needs walls? And R can have the garage for his workshop and large assortment of mostly unused tools. Yey. It has a huge yard, which is not landscaped, and sits on a corner lot. I can't really see any houses around it, but we plan on driving out there this weekend to really check it out. I'm thinking it will be perfect. More space, one level. Everything will come together. I'm thinking of renting the old Victorian, which in this horrible sellers market, might be the best choice. Then we can keep our town house as an investment, hoping the value will go up instead of down.

Everything is good today. Babygirl even slept all through the night without wanting to share my bed. I'm thinking I should take a photo and put that image on the vision board: Babygirl sleeping in her own bed all night long.

Still reading Wayne Dyer books. A new thought...I always thought when I fell off "the path" it was about living spiritually, thinking in more profound ways, and following my calling. I have spent a lot of time trying to get back to art and more enlightened ways of thinking and living, trying to relocate my spiritual "path." But, Wayne Dyer suggests that "the path" is one of unconditional love towards all people and all things. At least that's my take on it. That's it. If I can practice this unconditional love everything will start to come together. Harder than it sounds, but certainly worth the effort.

And the Universe put it to the test, right away when my oldest girl's school called to tell me she hasn't been there for a couple of weeks. Interesting, and I won't get into the details of that conversation, but I tried to constantly remind myself to let go of the anger and disappointment and hold onto the unconditional love. I'm still telling myself that. We'll see.

Dreaming of art, thinking of children's books

I dreamed of art last night...that I was creating it and showing it. And I woke up almost inspired.

I'm thinking of children's picture books again. I love good stories. I love children's books with the over-sized pages and artwork. I have two finished manuscripts, but no artwork to go with them. I have submitted them to a few publishers, but only received form rejection letters. I should try to find an agent, I think. Submissions are so time consuming and the postage is hard to come by sometimes.

So maybe I should try to create some art for my books. Or come up with some new ideas for manuscripts. The stories are so much fun to write and my imagination runs wild when I'm engaged. That might be just what I need to connect with my muse again. Dance the dance.

Long days

Haven't been motivated to do much of anything lately. I have been dreaming of bigger houses and searching the net for possibilities. Still a dream.

Went to the doctor today. Go back in two weeks for a checkup and another ultrasound. They are still concerned about the size of the baby. I know he seems to have gotten larger in the last week or so. I'm feeling it. I think he's camped out on some major organs now. And I sure am tired.

Baby girl is not taking consistent naps, and when she goes to bed at night, I want to go to bed too. I am trying to train her to nap in her pack and play, hoping I can gain some free time.

No new work on the basement, unfortunately. I think about working on the kitchen table, pretending I could have a makeshift art table, a place to create, but then I wonder what I will create? Used to be I'd just begin and the subject would come. Have I lost total contact with my muse, afraid to begin anything because of interruptions? I think I better get used to interruptions if I ever plan on working on my art again.

Did get that vision board up on the wall, and so far it remains blank. What do I want? What does a completed studio look like? I need to pull it together...

Adventures and dreams

Had a most wonderful adventure Saturday. Took the happy bus and the family to visit my Aunt in a little town about 45minutes away. She bought this property a few months back that has a cute little cottage and an enormous greenhouse. The yard has many grape arbors and a pond with a fountain. But the greenhouse is the most interesting part of the property. It has a kitchen and a bathroom, so of course she is staying there with her two little dogs. Her son is living in the cottage. The plants are thriving. So far she has an abundance of houseplants, but plans on starting vegies and flowers soon. It was great. The atmosphere was fabulous...warm, natural, cozy. It reminded me a great deal of the Earthships in Taos and the few others I have visited.

I have wanted to build an Earthship for many years because of the atmosphere, but also because they are self-sufficient houses, off the grid, with water collection systems, solar, and a greenhouse across the front of the house. It is a dream. Lately we are considering a manufactured home on some acreage. I'm afraid, like most of the projects here at home, R would never be dedicated enough to work on an Earthship. A manufactured home is finished when it arrives, or mostly. The best part is that it would be one level (I'm so tired of the narrow steep stairs to the second floor of our old Victorian) and cheaper than our current house.

Another option we have been tossing around is moving to another city a little south of where we are. The cost of living is lower and there is a development just outside of town that still has empty lots, which would work for a manufactured home. There are also finished homes that are selling for significantly less than anything in our town. If we could sell our house in the current market, that might work. We could get a bigger, newer, ranch style house for much less, which would help our finances considerably.

We need a bigger house now. I'm still trying to figure out where to put all of the children with the new baby coming. And forget about studio space in this house. Although, ironically I suggested hiring someone to finish the basement room and R spent a whole day working on it. It's getting closer to being done, little by little. I've been waiting two years. It was supposed to be done before the baby came...the first baby girl. Maybe for the second baby.

I dream of studios and Earthships and not having neighbors so close. I dream of greenhouses (but not to live in) and rose gardens and room to roam. Maybe there are more adventures to be had. At least there are some new dreams now.

Still learning

I spend my days hungry for more spiritual information. I can't seem to get enough. I want to reconnect with my inner self and get my life on track. Today on Oprah the subject was just that...spirituality...the law of attraction, and several authors of inspiring books. There were several women in the audience who had used some of the methods described to get what they wanted and to turn the direction of their lives around. Fantastic. That's what I'm looking for in my life.

I know that I should meditate regularly. I used to, before the current relationship, and perhaps that was why my life had a more spiritual tone. I tried to meditate today while my baby girl napped. It was good, relaxing, but I can't ever seem to turn off my thoughts or the pictures in my head. And today, the baby boy was bouncing around inside of my belly like a football player. Kind of hard to clear the mind.

I have hope. I'm thinking of trying a vision board, in which you put up images or ideas about the things you want in your life. I guess the focus becomes more directed and somehow through that connection to spirit, to your inner self, and to the Universe, you can manifest these things into your life. But there are obstacles, such as the unfinished business like forgiving those who have hurt you, or trusting in the power of yourself and your connection to everything. It was mentioned on Oprah and in the Dr. Wayne Dyer book I am currently reading Manifesting Your Destiny that the people you have the biggest conflicts with in your life are also your biggest teachers. That stopped me in my tracks. Rather than try to run from the negative relationships like I usually do, I have to stop and reconsider. What do I need to learn here? Why do I keep going round and round and ending up back in the same place?

If I could remove those obstacles then perhaps I would be that much closer to finding my own peace and being able to create a meaningful life. Ironically I have been having dreams of obstacle courses for the past few months. I guess my spirit is speaking to me. Cool. Welcome back.

Thinking back

So tired these past few days. I guess the pregnancy is catching up to me. Two and a half months to go before the little baby boy arrives.

And the little baby girl has been so cranky lately. Maybe she's getting more teeth. She certainly is adamant about what she wants to do. She's starting to throw tiny tantrums. I didn't think those came until the terrible twos. I have forgotten so much about taking care of little bitty babies. My teenagers throw much bigger tantrums and are so vocal.

So back to the spiritual thing. I can hardly help but focus on this area in my life as I continue to read books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. He is so inspirational, and so right on. It seems I was so much farther along back in the day, before the current relationship. I was certainly less selfish, giving myself to my friends and even coworkers when they needed. One of the greatest pleasures I had then was giving little spiritual gifts to everyone, and taking my friends on adventures out into nature where we could just listen to the trees or admire the sky. I loved being a listener and offering advice when it was asked for. I loved listening to my spirit and enjoying those remarkable moments of synchronicity that seemed to occur so frequently. I recall waiting for those things, asking of the Universe and waiting to see what new and wonderful things showed up. It was such fun.

And then it stopped. I think I made the mistake of believing I could help R find his spiritual self. I never realized he would be so resistant to new ideas. I never thought he would belittle my beliefs and make me feel ashamed for living a spiritual life. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. So it became more about trying to please him and win his approval in other areas of my life and my spirituality took a back seat. I lost my footing and fell off the path, and when I tried to find it, I couldn't, anywhere. I was lost in the woods. Lost in the land of R, and I began to resent him for it, feeling trapped in his closed-mindedness, trapped by his judgments. And even worse, I began to echo him. I became more selfish and judgmental, more materialistic and cynical. I lost my strength as a woman, as a spiritual being and became like all the rest. I was mediocre. I was boring. I was turning into a bad housewife where my major concerns were keeping the bathrooms clean and the laundry folded. But this is not me! I thought. The only time I truly connected to my spirit was when I created my art, and that was so joyful. It was all I had left of the old me.

So now, I am trying so hard to reconnect to my spirit, to find my inner voice and reclaim my power. I know that every day is a journey as I try to remember that I can have no expectations of others, of R, and I must stop the judgments and curb my anger. I can be quiet now and know that what he says matters so little in the face of my reality. Yes, I have to live here with him, and we have committed to the raising of our children, but I can get myself back. I can go within and find my strength by listening to my spirit. I can write and I can do art when there is time. There will be time again. And I can love my family for the beautiful spiritual beings that they are. Love everyone.