Learning to Breathe

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

Rampant, wild thoughts,
fleeting,
pass through
and beyond;

silence sits
in concentrated effort
holding space,

timeless grace
in studied breaths
of peace.

© 11.11.2019 K. A. Bennett. All rights reserved.

This poem was originally published in Spiritual Ramblings from the Spiritual Abyss on Medium.com.

What Can I Do Today?

A free verse poem
published on Medium 9.5.19 

In silence, I sit,
seeking significant moments
of awakened realizations.

It’s divine to be alone,
to celebrate a coming home — 
a delectable return to self-awareness.

Before me lies the world,
in all its burning glory.
My heart is heavy with acceptance
of the failed human story.

My hands bleed.
I am guilty of mindless capitalism,
trapped in nihilism,
reaching for answers in the status quo.

In silence, I sit,
seeking ego validation,
wanting my solitary actions
to have meaningful intention.

Going within,
I spin into anticipated potential
and own personal responsibility
for choices I have made.

Perception changes
when I climb out of stagnation,
release ego,
and move to focused action.

I sit in silence
and contemplate my words and my power.
I reclaim my feminine and ask Earth Mother,
What can I do today?

© K. A. Bennett 2019. All rights reserved.

On meditation

What is it about all of these spiritual books that outline specifically how to do something...meditate for so many minutes in the morning, preferably when you are alone and the house is quiet...get up early if you have to. Okay. I'm not getting up any earlier. Sometimes Babygirl wakes up at 4am. I think I need all of the sleep I can get. And really, when am I alone? And a quiet house? Perhaps meditation is for singles or retired folks. So I've decided that any meditation I can get in is good, even if that is right before I'm falling asleep in bed at night. My meditation sessions usually involve slipping into a semi-comatose state where weird dream images flit through my head, before I drift into sleep anyway. Clear my head? I'm still working on that one. I try so hard to keep my mind on one image, pulling it back from fantasy land, but in the end the dreams win and I can't recall a productive meditation session at all. And when the new baby comes? Can I meditate while I'm breastfeeding? I'll have to try that. What about in the shower? Does the world really have to stop around me? What if it won't? I don't ever have time alone when I can just sit in a quiet, peaceful state. So how am I supposed to make this work? Manifest my desires...only if I follow the guidelines outlined by the experts? Maybe. Maybe not. Meditation is about getting in touch with spirit, with my God-self. I should be able to do that while being a mom. After all, what is more natural and holy than breastfeeding a perfect newborn infant?

And the vision board seems to be working. Put an image of a house up and Babygirl sleeping in her crib. Two out of three nights she has slept until at least 5am before she wants to join me in bed. Not too bad. I changed the original house image. We drove around looking at some of the houses we found online. My favorite turned out to be in a less than desirable location, and one I sort of liked is actually in a great neighborhood. So I swapped them around. We'll see what happens next. Kind of exciting.

Still learning

I spend my days hungry for more spiritual information. I can't seem to get enough. I want to reconnect with my inner self and get my life on track. Today on Oprah the subject was just that...spirituality...the law of attraction, and several authors of inspiring books. There were several women in the audience who had used some of the methods described to get what they wanted and to turn the direction of their lives around. Fantastic. That's what I'm looking for in my life.

I know that I should meditate regularly. I used to, before the current relationship, and perhaps that was why my life had a more spiritual tone. I tried to meditate today while my baby girl napped. It was good, relaxing, but I can't ever seem to turn off my thoughts or the pictures in my head. And today, the baby boy was bouncing around inside of my belly like a football player. Kind of hard to clear the mind.

I have hope. I'm thinking of trying a vision board, in which you put up images or ideas about the things you want in your life. I guess the focus becomes more directed and somehow through that connection to spirit, to your inner self, and to the Universe, you can manifest these things into your life. But there are obstacles, such as the unfinished business like forgiving those who have hurt you, or trusting in the power of yourself and your connection to everything. It was mentioned on Oprah and in the Dr. Wayne Dyer book I am currently reading Manifesting Your Destiny that the people you have the biggest conflicts with in your life are also your biggest teachers. That stopped me in my tracks. Rather than try to run from the negative relationships like I usually do, I have to stop and reconsider. What do I need to learn here? Why do I keep going round and round and ending up back in the same place?

If I could remove those obstacles then perhaps I would be that much closer to finding my own peace and being able to create a meaningful life. Ironically I have been having dreams of obstacle courses for the past few months. I guess my spirit is speaking to me. Cool. Welcome back.