Without You 8.19.19

A free verse poem
Published on Medium 8.19.19

Without you
It has taken me a year
To learn the landscape of my empty bed;
To become comfortable
Taking up space;
To remember who I am

Without you

I release
A tightly held past,
Learn new skills--
Forget how to argue;
Let judgment fade

Without you

My hands have forgotten
The shape of your body
Next to mine.

It all fades into yesterdays--
The taste of your lips,
Your morning sounds,
Our shared dreams

Without you

A liquid future slips through my fingers--
An unknown thing,
That pools at my feet.

With the courage of a warrior goddess
I take one step into uncertainty,
Into myself,
And begin the journey forward,

Without you.

~K

Dream a little dream

Funny how my night time dreams can leave me feeling somehow lost and confused, and even sad, upon waking. It is a different world, isn't it?

I have been dreaming of searching for a place to call home, and the dreams are vague and I hardly remember anything when I wake. Not too surprising since in this other, wakeful reality, I have been searching for a place to call home too. Parallel realities.

Last night I dreamed of old friends, two of them, who were in the hospital. They were okay, healing from whatever ailed them. I went to visit and spent some long lost time with some dear people I once knew, and upon waking realized just how much I missed them and how much I still love them, even if they are no longer a part of my current life.

We are all one. I don't have to be in physical proximity to send my love. Distance healing has taught me that.

So, this morning I will release my sadness and longing for what could never have been (people change so much and grow apart over the years), and instead send these two old friends some love from my spiritual self to theirs.

We are all One. My dear old friends  are as much a part of me as they always were. I wish them well. I wish everyone well and send all of humanity love on this fine morning.

Thinking back

So tired these past few days. I guess the pregnancy is catching up to me. Two and a half months to go before the little baby boy arrives.

And the little baby girl has been so cranky lately. Maybe she's getting more teeth. She certainly is adamant about what she wants to do. She's starting to throw tiny tantrums. I didn't think those came until the terrible twos. I have forgotten so much about taking care of little bitty babies. My teenagers throw much bigger tantrums and are so vocal.

So back to the spiritual thing. I can hardly help but focus on this area in my life as I continue to read books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. He is so inspirational, and so right on. It seems I was so much farther along back in the day, before the current relationship. I was certainly less selfish, giving myself to my friends and even coworkers when they needed. One of the greatest pleasures I had then was giving little spiritual gifts to everyone, and taking my friends on adventures out into nature where we could just listen to the trees or admire the sky. I loved being a listener and offering advice when it was asked for. I loved listening to my spirit and enjoying those remarkable moments of synchronicity that seemed to occur so frequently. I recall waiting for those things, asking of the Universe and waiting to see what new and wonderful things showed up. It was such fun.

And then it stopped. I think I made the mistake of believing I could help R find his spiritual self. I never realized he would be so resistant to new ideas. I never thought he would belittle my beliefs and make me feel ashamed for living a spiritual life. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. So it became more about trying to please him and win his approval in other areas of my life and my spirituality took a back seat. I lost my footing and fell off the path, and when I tried to find it, I couldn't, anywhere. I was lost in the woods. Lost in the land of R, and I began to resent him for it, feeling trapped in his closed-mindedness, trapped by his judgments. And even worse, I began to echo him. I became more selfish and judgmental, more materialistic and cynical. I lost my strength as a woman, as a spiritual being and became like all the rest. I was mediocre. I was boring. I was turning into a bad housewife where my major concerns were keeping the bathrooms clean and the laundry folded. But this is not me! I thought. The only time I truly connected to my spirit was when I created my art, and that was so joyful. It was all I had left of the old me.

So now, I am trying so hard to reconnect to my spirit, to find my inner voice and reclaim my power. I know that every day is a journey as I try to remember that I can have no expectations of others, of R, and I must stop the judgments and curb my anger. I can be quiet now and know that what he says matters so little in the face of my reality. Yes, I have to live here with him, and we have committed to the raising of our children, but I can get myself back. I can go within and find my strength by listening to my spirit. I can write and I can do art when there is time. There will be time again. And I can love my family for the beautiful spiritual beings that they are. Love everyone.