Haven't been motivated to do much of anything lately. I have been dreaming of bigger houses and searching the net for possibilities. Still a dream.
Went to the doctor today. Go back in two weeks for a checkup and another ultrasound. They are still concerned about the size of the baby. I know he seems to have gotten larger in the last week or so. I'm feeling it. I think he's camped out on some major organs now. And I sure am tired.
Baby girl is not taking consistent naps, and when she goes to bed at night, I want to go to bed too. I am trying to train her to nap in her pack and play, hoping I can gain some free time.
No new work on the basement, unfortunately. I think about working on the kitchen table, pretending I could have a makeshift art table, a place to create, but then I wonder what I will create? Used to be I'd just begin and the subject would come. Have I lost total contact with my muse, afraid to begin anything because of interruptions? I think I better get used to interruptions if I ever plan on working on my art again.
Did get that vision board up on the wall, and so far it remains blank. What do I want? What does a completed studio look like? I need to pull it together...
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Friday, February 15, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Thinking back
So tired these past few days. I guess the pregnancy is catching up to me. Two and a half months to go before the little baby boy arrives.
And the little baby girl has been so cranky lately. Maybe she's getting more teeth. She certainly is adamant about what she wants to do. She's starting to throw tiny tantrums. I didn't think those came until the terrible twos. I have forgotten so much about taking care of little bitty babies. My teenagers throw much bigger tantrums and are so vocal.
So back to the spiritual thing. I can hardly help but focus on this area in my life as I continue to read books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. He is so inspirational, and so right on. It seems I was so much farther along back in the day, before the current relationship. I was certainly less selfish, giving myself to my friends and even coworkers when they needed. One of the greatest pleasures I had then was giving little spiritual gifts to everyone, and taking my friends on adventures out into nature where we could just listen to the trees or admire the sky. I loved being a listener and offering advice when it was asked for. I loved listening to my spirit and enjoying those remarkable moments of synchronicity that seemed to occur so frequently. I recall waiting for those things, asking of the Universe and waiting to see what new and wonderful things showed up. It was such fun.
And then it stopped. I think I made the mistake of believing I could help R find his spiritual self. I never realized he would be so resistant to new ideas. I never thought he would belittle my beliefs and make me feel ashamed for living a spiritual life. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. So it became more about trying to please him and win his approval in other areas of my life and my spirituality took a back seat. I lost my footing and fell off the path, and when I tried to find it, I couldn't, anywhere. I was lost in the woods. Lost in the land of R, and I began to resent him for it, feeling trapped in his closed-mindedness, trapped by his judgments. And even worse, I began to echo him. I became more selfish and judgmental, more materialistic and cynical. I lost my strength as a woman, as a spiritual being and became like all the rest. I was mediocre. I was boring. I was turning into a bad housewife where my major concerns were keeping the bathrooms clean and the laundry folded. But this is not me! I thought. The only time I truly connected to my spirit was when I created my art, and that was so joyful. It was all I had left of the old me.
So now, I am trying so hard to reconnect to my spirit, to find my inner voice and reclaim my power. I know that every day is a journey as I try to remember that I can have no expectations of others, of R, and I must stop the judgments and curb my anger. I can be quiet now and know that what he says matters so little in the face of my reality. Yes, I have to live here with him, and we have committed to the raising of our children, but I can get myself back. I can go within and find my strength by listening to my spirit. I can write and I can do art when there is time. There will be time again. And I can love my family for the beautiful spiritual beings that they are. Love everyone.
And the little baby girl has been so cranky lately. Maybe she's getting more teeth. She certainly is adamant about what she wants to do. She's starting to throw tiny tantrums. I didn't think those came until the terrible twos. I have forgotten so much about taking care of little bitty babies. My teenagers throw much bigger tantrums and are so vocal.
So back to the spiritual thing. I can hardly help but focus on this area in my life as I continue to read books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. He is so inspirational, and so right on. It seems I was so much farther along back in the day, before the current relationship. I was certainly less selfish, giving myself to my friends and even coworkers when they needed. One of the greatest pleasures I had then was giving little spiritual gifts to everyone, and taking my friends on adventures out into nature where we could just listen to the trees or admire the sky. I loved being a listener and offering advice when it was asked for. I loved listening to my spirit and enjoying those remarkable moments of synchronicity that seemed to occur so frequently. I recall waiting for those things, asking of the Universe and waiting to see what new and wonderful things showed up. It was such fun.
And then it stopped. I think I made the mistake of believing I could help R find his spiritual self. I never realized he would be so resistant to new ideas. I never thought he would belittle my beliefs and make me feel ashamed for living a spiritual life. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. So it became more about trying to please him and win his approval in other areas of my life and my spirituality took a back seat. I lost my footing and fell off the path, and when I tried to find it, I couldn't, anywhere. I was lost in the woods. Lost in the land of R, and I began to resent him for it, feeling trapped in his closed-mindedness, trapped by his judgments. And even worse, I began to echo him. I became more selfish and judgmental, more materialistic and cynical. I lost my strength as a woman, as a spiritual being and became like all the rest. I was mediocre. I was boring. I was turning into a bad housewife where my major concerns were keeping the bathrooms clean and the laundry folded. But this is not me! I thought. The only time I truly connected to my spirit was when I created my art, and that was so joyful. It was all I had left of the old me.
So now, I am trying so hard to reconnect to my spirit, to find my inner voice and reclaim my power. I know that every day is a journey as I try to remember that I can have no expectations of others, of R, and I must stop the judgments and curb my anger. I can be quiet now and know that what he says matters so little in the face of my reality. Yes, I have to live here with him, and we have committed to the raising of our children, but I can get myself back. I can go within and find my strength by listening to my spirit. I can write and I can do art when there is time. There will be time again. And I can love my family for the beautiful spiritual beings that they are. Love everyone.
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