Teachers and that little devil EGO

In this time of materialism and big spending, I have lost sight of myself. But, even before the season of consumerism was upon us, I had become an ogre of the grandest proportions, ranting and raving over this and that, forgetting every spiritual word I have ever read, apparently. Who am I to judge anyone for the path they take? No one. Who am I to think I know more than anyone else on this small planet, especially when it comes to health and well-being? No one. I suffer in my own right. Would not a more enlightened being avoid creating such chaos in the first place? Maybe. Maybe not.

I look at my relationships with my children, with my spouse, with my extended family and wonder what I am missing in the bigger picture? Are they not my teachers? Yes they are. And when I allow them to "get" to me, is that not a sign that EGO is running this show? Yes, it is.

I have been living in EGO time for a while now, concerned with furthering the cause of health, locally grown food, searching for a sustainable environment to hide away and watch the world fall apart around me. Then I could look at everyone else who thought I was crazy, and say see, I told you so. What is that about? EGO. Just because my causes might be nobler (?) does that excuse the higher self from having some control over the petty child EGO? No. We should ever be aware of EGO's subtle attempts to hoodwink us into a state of unconsciousness where we exist through each and every day, unaware of what is really important.

And what is really important? That is the big question, isn't it? Sure, living a healthy and spiritual life is good. Include in those lofty goals eating right, exercising, meditating, and doing our part to save the planet, and we sure get caught up in ourselves once again. No matter how you look at it, I could be putting info out there that I think is beneficial on the movement to sustainability, but what am I really doing but feeding my EGO? I could write a book, but when I think about any book that is lucky enough to be successful is fodder to feed the "machine," do I want to participate? Maybe. I'd like to have a little bit of success before I die, but how can I do that without being a part of the problem?

I admire people like Ani Defranco who started her own record label and stuck with it, even though it was harder and took longer than signing a record deal with one of the big boys. She did not feed the beast, but she found hard earned success in her own right, because she is a brilliant artist who has something important to say. Good for her. If more of us could learn from her example and never forget that IT isn't about money or how many people know your name, but instead about getting the message out, the message that we have all been hoodwinked by our EGOS into believing that we have to participate in this EGO infested world that is intent upon destroying its own self to get to the top of the mountain.


This month I have been playing King of the Hill. Maybe last month too. My hill consists of information about health and cures for disease, about permaculture, sustainable gardening, naturally grown foods, eco friendly housing, environments that will support life if and when our society collapses. Whatever. My information may be insanity to some and worthwhile to others, but it doesn't really matter. By judging others on the basis of what they don't know, or how they choose to spend their time, I am just a petty Napolean, a bully dressed in spiritual robes.

My oldest daughter sent me a nasty note this week about how I have failed her and continue to do so. About how she's disowning me again and how I will never be a part of her future...her marriage, her graduations, her children. She's done this to me more than once, and every time I cry and re-examine my past with her and try to figure out just what happened that we arrived in such a pitiful state? And then I told her good luck, lots of love and God speed. Whatever. At some point I begin to realize the games people try to play with me, ensnaring my EGO in anger and self-pity, and wonder how I so easily fall into the same traps?

They are my teachers. My beautiful, talented and gifted oldest daughter is one of my biggest challenges, and one of my biggest teachers, for every time I fall into this pattern of behavior, I must stop, shake myself hard out of the EGO induced sleep I am in, and realize I am only a puppet in the hands of my EGO. What would the higher self do? Not react, that's for sure, but that is what I do, nine times out of ten.

When we realize that the players in our lives have their own parts to play out in their own dramas, and the little cameos they play in our own story are just the briefest of interactions, destined by fate to teach us, if we are willing. We must be open-minded and aware, practicing the ability to recognize every interaction from a spiritual perspective rather than from an EGO perspective, and God forbid we should miss them. But the Universe, being of a cyclical nature will bring it around again so we can have another shot at the same message. Aren't we lucky?

So what is important? I'm beginning to think this life is nothing more than an endless array of spiritual tests and lessons, a grand working school of experiences and mistakes that we can only hope to glean the true meaning from. And we keep doing it, over and over and over, like some cosmic teacher is trying to pound it into our heads like a grade school exercise of repetition.

To me, I think it is about love. Fighting the EGO and living EGOless so that we might help our fellow spiritual walkers on the great journey to know GOD or SPIRIT or SELF or the UNIVERSE, or TAO or ALL THAT IS or NOTHING AT ALL. Impart whatever wisdom you have to those who ask and live your life from a place of example. Be the change.

We may drive ourselves to extinction as a human race if we continue on our path of destruction. Okay. It is what it is. I feel compelled to do what I can to change the direction of our future. I'd like to have a green planet that can sustain life for my little kids to grow up in. But, I will also teach others what I know, what I learn, in an effort to help others live a simpler and more sustainable life, if they choose. I know many people will never get off the couch, because that is what they choose to do. Repetition. It doesn't change until you learn the lesson. Wake up!!!! I will try hard not to judge even the right wingers. They have their place in the grand scheme, even if it is only for someone like me to speak out against.

My journey is about mastering the bastard EGO that I fight every minute of every day. When I recognize the little devil for who he is, then he fades and my higher and more intelligent self can get a word in. I am disgusted that I have been lost in the darkness of EGO depths for some time. Christmas is what it is. I don't have to find it evil because it supports so much of what I refuse to believe or participate in. It is what it is. Perception changes everything (right Cole, my old friend?). I choose to love instead of hate. I will try to give information to those who want to hear it, but no longer force my ideas on anyone else. I will find health and be an example, choosing to do my part to live greener and cleaner. I will be creative and share the results with others, if they are interested. We can create a Utopia of peace and a green, clean, sustainable planet where everyone is equal and everyone acts out of love and kindness and the only personal goal is to help others find and experience the shared joy that IS.

I love you, my children, my daughters, for the lessons you bring to me, but I will not participate in any acts of hate and vengeance directed at anyone, including my own self. That's not the way I work. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I am here in spirit for you always, but if you can't be nice, we have nothing to talk about. That goes for everyone else on the planet too. Don't bring your negative garbage into my self-made fantasy of Utopia. Let me live my bliss and you go out and find yours. (Maybe it is on the couch in front of the TV.) At least in my few years on this planet I can have my own moments of joy.

I know. That's still EGO talking. Slippery fellow, isn't he? No one can influence my reality unless I let them. I create the story. It is mine. I guess I still have a ways to go down my own spiritual road.

When silence speaks

View from our Taos house

I came across some old photos of the house we built in New Mexico, and it really made me nostalgic for the days when I thought I was going to live in an adobe house, or in this case, old adobe barn converted to a house. It was a wonderful place, the old dairy barn from the hippy commune next door, the commune featured in the movie "Easy Rider." How much better could it get? I had the sage brush surrounding me and the Taos mountains looking protectively down upon our little homestead. It was so right, until it went so wrong.

Looking back, I can see the nudges from the Universe, the little whispers that told me it wasn't right, but I allowed myself to be pulled further into a shared dream and I couldn't see my way out of the rose colored room until I ran smack into a wall. Face first. Talk about a reality check. Things went from rosy and magical to downright depressing as our dream house turned into the house that couldn't be built. I began to attach bad feelings to the place, and saw signs everywhere that said "Get out! You don't belong here in this art community." I felt like I was being rejected by the great and mysterious Taos mountain. And maybe I was.

Only in Taos

We ended up back in Colorado, the black hole of my existence (it keeps pulling me back, no matter how far I go or how long I stay away), and a friend told me that perhaps the great mountain that I grew up in the shadow of was even more powerful than the one in New Mexico. Maybe. But I had no love for Pikes Peak, not like I loved the essence of New Mexico...the quirkiness, the heat, the snow, the mud, the environmentalists, the artists, the writers, the movie stars, the sage brush, the ravens and bears...all of it. I was so in love with a place that was more, it was a state of being, and it was me.

I spent years dreaming of going to the land of the lizard, the home of my spirit, and when I made it there, I blew it, pulled into a romance of convenience, of mindless existing, and my spirit stopped speaking. I spent the first year in Taos, wondering where my spirituality had gone, where the guardian spirits that used to walk along beside me, had gotten themselves off to. Everywhere was silence. It was the most beautiful place I could ever hope to be, and my heart sighed every single time I walked out the door of our little rented adobe house. When I looked at the sage, I couldn't help but smile. I was home. But it was too quiet. The animals didn't come to bring me messages, the wind no longer whispered, and the river's babbling was a foreign language to me. What had I done to lose myself in the land where I thought I was going to find it all?

I hated the silence. I hated that the Universe seemed closed to me. I wasn't meeting the right people and nothing seemed to be falling into place. But I refused to listen, refused to give up my dreams of latilla fences and adobe walls. Funny how it all works out and how sometimes we aren't given a choice anymore. I was being pulled away from the land of my dreams and back to a place I couldn't wait to get away from.

I still don't know for sure why I couldn't live in Taos, but I hope all of New Mexico isn't closed to me. I still harbor great fantasies about Earthships and sagebrush and quiet nights full of stars and clean air. I know this uninteresting house we live in now isn't it either...is it? And someday, maybe if I'm ever so lucky, I can return to the land of my heart and spend some small amount of my life hanging out in an adobe house in the middle of the high mountain desert, and maybe I'll even paint a little as I pay homage to the late, great Georgia O'Keefe, who understood and gave in to her love of the New Mexican, desert land.

Now I understand that the silence was the message, and if I had taken the time to shut up and stop looking, to enjoy the quiet and connect to it, I would have found a peace so pure it would have eliminated any doubt I was having about my connection to all things spiritual. For in the silence is the knowing--the greatness of the Tao, the power of the Universe, everything and nothing all wrapped up into one big, beautiful ball of wholeness. In the silence. By searching, I missed what was staring me in the face. And maybe it wasn't about Taos not wanting me there, but about my own closed mindedness, which the energy reflected out and away from such a creative and loving place. Or, maybe my Ego got scared of losing itself in the silence and created a situation where it could gain the upper hand by sending me out of such a spiritual and enlightened space.

One day soon, I will again attempt to venture south into the land where my heart lives, to see how it all "feels" to me now, ten years later. And I will remain open to whatever may come, even the blessed silence, for in that simple meditation of listening to the nothing, I can feel myself as I am connected to everything else. Maybe that is enough.

Art in words

All is not lost. I have been working on the farm logo (It is art...it is!) and even painted a watercolor of a background mountain scene. I am dedicated to the dream.

Art. Remember the act of creation? Like some little miracle where the artist becomes a mini-god, or taps into the GOD power that is inherent in talent. Supplied with an abundant source of infinitesimal energy, that same artist is free, inspired to create from the nothing, from the unknown. What a state of mind. What a divine state of being. Bliss.

In writing there is an artfulness, a communion with the muse that speaks in the tongue of the blank page, waiting to be filled, lusting after the words.

EGO be damned! It is a short ride, this life, and I want to enjoy the scenery as I paint it, I want to smell the roses as I describe them in prose.

Isn't it by the very act of simplifying one's life that one discovers the true importance of passion? What makes us sing? What makes us dance to the rhythm of the Universe so we feel the heartbeat of the Earth through our feet, in our bones, resonating into every action we choose to partake in?

Today I farm the Earth, taking only as much as I give, and sharing the abundance. Today I love the creatures that surround me, giving me their gifts of presence, and I am honored to be their caretakers in this moment. Today I write words and I am grateful that the letters fall so easily into place, filling blank space with ideas. Today I love as I am loved and cherish the artful moments that are this life.

Farm blog

I'm also writing a farm blog that details our homesteading adventure. If you are interested in micro-farming or homesteading, check out this blog http://onelittlefarm.blogspot.com/. While I will continue to blog at this site (K's Bloomin' Art Garden)it will primarily be spiritual ranting and raving and lessons learned, and if I'm lucky, I might detail some art project I'm working on.

Speaking of art, I've been working on a painting out of acrylic of a fairytale castle scene for my son. I have painted several paintings for my children over the years, but nothing for my two year old boy, as of yet. Since my office/studio/spare bedroom/storage space has become the farm bird hospital, I haven't worked on the painting, which is slow going anyway. Maybe I could get it done for Christmas?

I try not to forget the art and have several projects in mind. I collect recycled materials (like the cardboard tubing the greenhouse plastic came on--what a great material to use in a sculpture project) and dream of days when there will be more time to dedicate to art.

For now, with two little ones in tow, my husband and I are working on building our own sustainable paradise here in the Rocky Mountains of Southern Colorado. I hope that in the future, when we can support ourselves off of our own land and ingenuity, I can spend more time playing in paint. What a day that will be...when the muse is set free!

I Believe

Well, my sister decided to go through with the chemotherapy as treatment for her cancer. I read it on Facebook. It's been hit and miss talking with my immediate family these days. My mother doesn't call so much and I'm never sure what's going on. I worry. I can't say I agree with my sister's decision, but it is her decision and I hope it works.

I still get that horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of the future and my family. I believe it is our duty to do everything in our power to stay healthy and prevent cancers and other diseases from happening to us. I believe we do have the choice to stay healthy, if we stay conscious about what our mind, body and spirit require. Listen....

I believe in the power of thought and in meditation as a lifelong practice to reach our inner selves and the Source power. I believe in Yoga and in physical activity as a meditation and as a means to live a long, healthy life. I believe in being present, letting go of the past and the future, and living in the now. What can I do today, right here, right now to bring me closer to my dreams and perfect mind body health?

I believe in compassion, resilience and peace for everyone. No more wars!!! I believe everyone has an equal right to air, water, food and health. I believe that we are all one, sharing this moment, on this earth...one giant living organism. If one part hurts, we all hurt and live in dysfunction. We must band together and love ourselves, each other and the planet. There is no room for judgment, elitism, egotism, or the exclusion of any one part. No room. Stop the stupidity.

I believe in natural healing and positive thinking. I believe in living responsibly and being aware of our own actions and how that might affect others, including humans, animals, plants and the Earth.

I believe the revolution of enlightenment is underway. And I know I can only do my part to encourage others to join, to awaken from the mindless capitalism culture we have been raised and brainwashed into. What is it all for? At the end of the day what do we have and what can we say?

It is my goal to speak these words before I go to sleep each night "I did my part to bring awareness to the world and to help repair our injured Earth."

Namaste

Who am I?

Where is my community? Where is my fellowship of artists and writers and free-spirited, enlightened individuals who won't look at me like I'm the crazy relative every time I open my mouth?

I'm having a hard time, a really hard time, trying to live in my ego space right now, with every crazy thing going on. I don't want to be alone, but when I look at my life, I realize I have always been alone--an outsider in my own family, the one who never fit in. Ironically that has not changed, but the abyss of separation seems to have grown larger. I look at my extended family and see more differences. And I am the one to not judge, to not notice the things that make us all live such vastly different lives. It's like I really do live on another planet. I guess that's okay, and it was one of the reasons I tried so hard to get away when I was so young.

On this day, I'm trying to rethink my own existence. Who am I? The age old question. I am a daughter and a sister. But I am also a mother and a wife, an individual struggling to just be herself. Sometimes I am an artist and occasionally I am a writer. Mostly I am just me. No apologies there. I don't fit in any box. I never have and I never will.

One day this week I woke up and thought "What a beautiful life I have here on my little farm with the birds singing outside and my children all healthy." The warm sun shined in through the kitchen window and I stared into the distance at the beautiful Wet Mountains and truly enjoyed a moment. I am thankful for that. I am grateful for the stars in the midnight blue sky, and the quiet that lives here with me in the country.

I may be a little odd to my family and some of my friends, but I wouldn't change any of it. I'm loving the farm adventure and I'm trying to be honest with myself in my own beliefs. I'm still on my spiritual journey, trying to know and master myself and my tired old Ego. That's the best I can do.

The chaos comes closer

Where do I begin to catch up? With my seventeen year old flying the coop? With my older sister finding out she has cancer? It has been tumultuous as of late. I think I'm walking through an emotional minefield.

I feel like my advice and opinions mean so little to everyone around me. Perhaps it is time to be silent. Time to meditate. Time to pray.

The farm is off and going, one year strong. I brought the llama babies home and have been working to become their trusted friends. We now have five goats--all adult female dairy goats. R has been milking Tres and Amelia since they gave birth. He makes soft cheeses flavored with spices, which are a big hit with his coworkers and Co-op members. We sold one dairy share and are thinking of trying a CSA next summer with our garden produce and eggs.

The babies are getting big...2 and 3 now and a handful of energy and willfulness.

I started another blog, a farm blog, http://onelittlefarm.blogspot.com/ which I've been meaning to do for a while now. I got right on it, hoping to set up a donation sight to help with Terry's alternative treatment. I'm not sure she's going to try any alternative treatments, which has me really concerned. Needless to say, I haven't been so gung ho about trying to raise money.

And R is still trying to decide if he really wants to be a farmer. Big news on top of the rest of it. I've been walking from one devastating piece of news to the next. I guess if R bails, I'll try to do it alone. It isn't impossible. I might be able to. We will see.