In this time of materialism and big spending, I have lost sight of myself. But, even before the season of consumerism was upon us, I had become an ogre of the grandest proportions, ranting and raving over this and that, forgetting every spiritual word I have ever read, apparently. Who am I to judge anyone for the path they take? No one. Who am I to think I know more than anyone else on this small planet, especially when it comes to health and well-being? No one. I suffer in my own right. Would not a more enlightened being avoid creating such chaos in the first place? Maybe. Maybe not.
I look at my relationships with my children, with my spouse, with my extended family and wonder what I am missing in the bigger picture? Are they not my teachers? Yes they are. And when I allow them to "get" to me, is that not a sign that EGO is running this show? Yes, it is.
I have been living in EGO time for a while now, concerned with furthering the cause of health, locally grown food, searching for a sustainable environment to hide away and watch the world fall apart around me. Then I could look at everyone else who thought I was crazy, and say see, I told you so. What is that about? EGO. Just because my causes might be nobler (?) does that excuse the higher self from having some control over the petty child EGO? No. We should ever be aware of EGO's subtle attempts to hoodwink us into a state of unconsciousness where we exist through each and every day, unaware of what is really important.
And what is really important? That is the big question, isn't it? Sure, living a healthy and spiritual life is good. Include in those lofty goals eating right, exercising, meditating, and doing our part to save the planet, and we sure get caught up in ourselves once again. No matter how you look at it, I could be putting info out there that I think is beneficial on the movement to sustainability, but what am I really doing but feeding my EGO? I could write a book, but when I think about any book that is lucky enough to be successful is fodder to feed the "machine," do I want to participate? Maybe. I'd like to have a little bit of success before I die, but how can I do that without being a part of the problem?
I admire people like Ani Defranco who started her own record label and stuck with it, even though it was harder and took longer than signing a record deal with one of the big boys. She did not feed the beast, but she found hard earned success in her own right, because she is a brilliant artist who has something important to say. Good for her. If more of us could learn from her example and never forget that IT isn't about money or how many people know your name, but instead about getting the message out, the message that we have all been hoodwinked by our EGOS into believing that we have to participate in this EGO infested world that is intent upon destroying its own self to get to the top of the mountain.
This month I have been playing King of the Hill. Maybe last month too. My hill consists of information about health and cures for disease, about permaculture, sustainable gardening, naturally grown foods, eco friendly housing, environments that will support life if and when our society collapses. Whatever. My information may be insanity to some and worthwhile to others, but it doesn't really matter. By judging others on the basis of what they don't know, or how they choose to spend their time, I am just a petty Napolean, a bully dressed in spiritual robes.
My oldest daughter sent me a nasty note this week about how I have failed her and continue to do so. About how she's disowning me again and how I will never be a part of her future...her marriage, her graduations, her children. She's done this to me more than once, and every time I cry and re-examine my past with her and try to figure out just what happened that we arrived in such a pitiful state? And then I told her good luck, lots of love and God speed. Whatever. At some point I begin to realize the games people try to play with me, ensnaring my EGO in anger and self-pity, and wonder how I so easily fall into the same traps?
They are my teachers. My beautiful, talented and gifted oldest daughter is one of my biggest challenges, and one of my biggest teachers, for every time I fall into this pattern of behavior, I must stop, shake myself hard out of the EGO induced sleep I am in, and realize I am only a puppet in the hands of my EGO. What would the higher self do? Not react, that's for sure, but that is what I do, nine times out of ten.
When we realize that the players in our lives have their own parts to play out in their own dramas, and the little cameos they play in our own story are just the briefest of interactions, destined by fate to teach us, if we are willing. We must be open-minded and aware, practicing the ability to recognize every interaction from a spiritual perspective rather than from an EGO perspective, and God forbid we should miss them. But the Universe, being of a cyclical nature will bring it around again so we can have another shot at the same message. Aren't we lucky?
So what is important? I'm beginning to think this life is nothing more than an endless array of spiritual tests and lessons, a grand working school of experiences and mistakes that we can only hope to glean the true meaning from. And we keep doing it, over and over and over, like some cosmic teacher is trying to pound it into our heads like a grade school exercise of repetition.
To me, I think it is about love. Fighting the EGO and living EGOless so that we might help our fellow spiritual walkers on the great journey to know GOD or SPIRIT or SELF or the UNIVERSE, or TAO or ALL THAT IS or NOTHING AT ALL. Impart whatever wisdom you have to those who ask and live your life from a place of example. Be the change.
We may drive ourselves to extinction as a human race if we continue on our path of destruction. Okay. It is what it is. I feel compelled to do what I can to change the direction of our future. I'd like to have a green planet that can sustain life for my little kids to grow up in. But, I will also teach others what I know, what I learn, in an effort to help others live a simpler and more sustainable life, if they choose. I know many people will never get off the couch, because that is what they choose to do. Repetition. It doesn't change until you learn the lesson. Wake up!!!! I will try hard not to judge even the right wingers. They have their place in the grand scheme, even if it is only for someone like me to speak out against.
My journey is about mastering the bastard EGO that I fight every minute of every day. When I recognize the little devil for who he is, then he fades and my higher and more intelligent self can get a word in. I am disgusted that I have been lost in the darkness of EGO depths for some time. Christmas is what it is. I don't have to find it evil because it supports so much of what I refuse to believe or participate in. It is what it is. Perception changes everything (right Cole, my old friend?). I choose to love instead of hate. I will try to give information to those who want to hear it, but no longer force my ideas on anyone else. I will find health and be an example, choosing to do my part to live greener and cleaner. I will be creative and share the results with others, if they are interested. We can create a Utopia of peace and a green, clean, sustainable planet where everyone is equal and everyone acts out of love and kindness and the only personal goal is to help others find and experience the shared joy that IS.
I love you, my children, my daughters, for the lessons you bring to me, but I will not participate in any acts of hate and vengeance directed at anyone, including my own self. That's not the way I work. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I am here in spirit for you always, but if you can't be nice, we have nothing to talk about. That goes for everyone else on the planet too. Don't bring your negative garbage into my self-made fantasy of Utopia. Let me live my bliss and you go out and find yours. (Maybe it is on the couch in front of the TV.) At least in my few years on this planet I can have my own moments of joy.
I know. That's still EGO talking. Slippery fellow, isn't he? No one can influence my reality unless I let them. I create the story. It is mine. I guess I still have a ways to go down my own spiritual road.
