Musings on Maine and farmhouses

Babies, babies, babies everywhere, getting into everything. One walking, one crawling, both screaming when you try to move them away from their preferred items of interest (cords, ipods, cat tails). This is the hardest job I've ever had, really. And now, it's almost lunch time and then on to naps. Yipee!

Still thinking of Maine. Found a wonderful old farmhouse out in Charleston. Thought about it, dreamed about it, moved in and redecorated it in my mind. And then... snooping will always get me into trouble...found a comment online about a minimum security correction facility just up the road. What??? So, I thought about it some more. Can't stand the thought of worrying about my kids wandering through open fields to encounter who? And really, it probably would never be a problem, but what if it was and I knew way back when and chose to move there anyway?

So, back to the drawing board. Found an old "converted" schoolhouse some distance away from the farmhouse. Dirt cheap, but not nearly big enough. R of course thinks we can finish it and build a greenhouse....blah blah blah. I'm still waiting for my studio here in Colorado and the basement room is two and a half years going, but still not done. It is a gamble to move into a smaller house and wait for my man to get around to anything. And of course I could do some of the work, or not...as he would tell me everything I did wrong and it would be more hassle than it's worth. The question remains as to whether it's worth the price to get a piece of land and a house that is small for a move to a different and possibly better lifestyle?

Thinking about the weather too. Lately it has been mild here with days getting into the 50's. That's nice. Very nice. In Maine, what is the high? 7 degrees. Not so nice. But it is green there and we could take trips to the ocean. Ultimately I think the quality of life would be better for my children, if not for the whole family. It's definitely a safer place than our current city.

Really, if we focus on building a sustainable life, then perhaps this is the best choice. We could have this house in Maine paid off in a short time and have a tiny bit of land to do with as we choose. How we could make an income for other necessities is an interesting dilemma. We shall see. Things usually work themselves out. Or they don't, and we end up back in Colorado. I'd hate to do that again.

Home schooling and homesteading

With the holidays over, perhaps I might find time again to write something...anything, again. It has been a hectic few months, to say the least. My mood fluctuates between moderately good and absolutely horrid.

Occasionally I get e-mails from long lost friends who remind me that life is so much more than my moods. Thank you Ronni.

Yes, there will be time again to paint, to sculpt, to create. Even now, I have a work in progress which involves paper mache and making pull toys for the babies (something I saw on Martha Stewart). Sometimes I get to it, sometimes I don't.

The baby boy doesn't want to go to sleep now until 10 or 11 pm, which eliminates any time I might have for me. R is working over time again, 9am until midnight several days. Mid-December my darling fifteen year old decided she wasn't going to school anymore. What!?! So we decided the only option was to home school her. Luckily she finished out the semester and got those credits.

Both R and I have been reading home schooling books like crazy. John Holt, The Teenage Liberation Handbook, etc., trying to come up with a plan. Would it be so bad to "unschool" her? The books all insist that the teenage attitude will change and might even become loving again over time with interested parents who home school. Well, we will give it a shot. Actually, her attitude has grown better already. High school is so hard, and I get that. Her new found freedom may give her the boost she needs to get on with her life.

We have also been researching places to move...again. Why we can't stay in one place is a mystery. Wanderlust. I want to go to the desert, but R refuses and won't budge on that. He wants to go someplace that has ample water. He prefers the north, I think. But I'm not interested in Michigan or Wisconsin, so I threw out the idea of Maine. I was born there in a little town called Bath. And we have been reading the Nearings Good Life books, about their homestead in Maine, right next to the coast. Houses are cheaper there. And, I think perhaps the quality of life is a bit better. Certainly I've been trying to get out of the conservative Christian right wing mecca that I was raised in, for years. Where could I go and stay, finally? Is it Maine. Me who hates the cold and the snow? Is it possible? I told him we must be near the coast then, so I can venture out to the beach on occasion.

I have had a dream for about fifteen years of living a sustainable life. I wanted to build an Earthship and grow my own food and eliminate the need to be tied to corporate systems. After several years with me, I think R has joined in this dream to some fashion. Can we fulfill this lifestyle in Maine? Can I be cold for affordable housing, land and my freedom? Can I find my muse there, under layers of snow and ice? Who knows. And who knows if this will become reality. But today we dream, and I love to search for old farmhouses via the Internet. It can't be all bad. Dreams keep us alive. And I still have my desert dreams tucked away in a corner of my heart. Maybe they will keep me warm on long cold winter days.

My Big Mouth

My father always used to tell me that my mouth would get me in trouble. And as a child, it often did. I believe he was of the opinion that children should not be seen nor heard. But lately, his words keep echoing in my head. It seems everything I say turns out wrong and not as I intended. Perhaps it is the sleep deprivation or my lack of patience after dealing with babies 24/7. Perhaps I am noticing myself more, from that observer viewpoint. If there are two selves within me, one being the watcher and one being the ego based doer, then how do I gain control? And who exactly is the I?

I try to have conversations with my children (teenagers) and my husband, my friends and relatives, but everything ends up sounding so immature and negative. Who am I? I decided that perhaps I should just keep my mouth closed for a while and maybe I would straighten up. So, I stopped blogging. I stopped calling people. I put myself in timeout. I don't think it's working. I sure am lonely now. Nobody calls me anymore. But why would they? I snap at them and state my opinions point blank without any empathy. But really, sometimes I get tired of the same old crap. If they want to continue to tell me their same old problems, without really doing anything about it, then how should I respond?

And then I think, aha! that's me. The people around me are only reflecting back what I'm sending out. I have been whining about being tired, not having any time to paint or write, being a full time, under-appreciated mom, etc. How am I different than anybody else? I'm not. So I should shut up already and get on with it.

Oh, yeah, and for everyone out there I have offended lately, I'm truly sorry.