Stream

Unconscious mind speaks in limited images. Illusion of self. The pity party has to end. This is not me. I got caught in my own trap and forgetting how to fly, built my own cage. Where is the love? I can't find it anywhere. It is not within or without. I am without much hope now, pretending this thing I live matters. It doesn't, except in the simplest ways. My responsibility tethers me. I long to run into the desert and sing down the moon. A place where no one knows my name. A place where I can be anyone I want to be. This is not me. It is a delusion, a spectacle of everything I abhor. I am stuck within this giant unhappiness, chipping away at the walls. I built them, but how do I tear them down? How do I find a love that is buried so deep I can't begin to know where to look?

One day at a time. Baby steps.

I won't go there

Been dreaming of warmer places...with Reggae playing soundtrack in my head. Fitting. Looking south toward Albuquerque, knowing I have too much history in that town, even though I have only been there a few times in my life.

Letting go takes some kind of courage--a courage I may just not have. I thought I did. I thought I released the past and let it fly away like a free bird, but here it is staring me in the face again. It always comes around again, doesn't it?

I won't go there. To the past. To Albuquerque. The Air Force is poisoning the land, poisoning my mind, ruining everything I thought pure. Even the warm sun on my face cannot erase the facts. Facts speak louder than emotions, and louder than the voices in my head, calling me deeper into New Mexico. "It just isn't safe," says reason to the romantic dreamer. The sun shines here too. And I would miss the sage.

Dream a little dream

Funny how my night time dreams can leave me feeling somehow lost and confused, and even sad, upon waking. It is a different world, isn't it?

I have been dreaming of searching for a place to call home, and the dreams are vague and I hardly remember anything when I wake. Not too surprising since in this other, wakeful reality, I have been searching for a place to call home too. Parallel realities.

Last night I dreamed of old friends, two of them, who were in the hospital. They were okay, healing from whatever ailed them. I went to visit and spent some long lost time with some dear people I once knew, and upon waking realized just how much I missed them and how much I still love them, even if they are no longer a part of my current life.

We are all one. I don't have to be in physical proximity to send my love. Distance healing has taught me that.

So, this morning I will release my sadness and longing for what could never have been (people change so much and grow apart over the years), and instead send these two old friends some love from my spiritual self to theirs.

We are all One. My dear old friends  are as much a part of me as they always were. I wish them well. I wish everyone well and send all of humanity love on this fine morning.