Still learning

I spend my days hungry for more spiritual information. I can't seem to get enough. I want to reconnect with my inner self and get my life on track. Today on Oprah the subject was just that...spirituality...the law of attraction, and several authors of inspiring books. There were several women in the audience who had used some of the methods described to get what they wanted and to turn the direction of their lives around. Fantastic. That's what I'm looking for in my life.

I know that I should meditate regularly. I used to, before the current relationship, and perhaps that was why my life had a more spiritual tone. I tried to meditate today while my baby girl napped. It was good, relaxing, but I can't ever seem to turn off my thoughts or the pictures in my head. And today, the baby boy was bouncing around inside of my belly like a football player. Kind of hard to clear the mind.

I have hope. I'm thinking of trying a vision board, in which you put up images or ideas about the things you want in your life. I guess the focus becomes more directed and somehow through that connection to spirit, to your inner self, and to the Universe, you can manifest these things into your life. But there are obstacles, such as the unfinished business like forgiving those who have hurt you, or trusting in the power of yourself and your connection to everything. It was mentioned on Oprah and in the Dr. Wayne Dyer book I am currently reading Manifesting Your Destiny that the people you have the biggest conflicts with in your life are also your biggest teachers. That stopped me in my tracks. Rather than try to run from the negative relationships like I usually do, I have to stop and reconsider. What do I need to learn here? Why do I keep going round and round and ending up back in the same place?

If I could remove those obstacles then perhaps I would be that much closer to finding my own peace and being able to create a meaningful life. Ironically I have been having dreams of obstacle courses for the past few months. I guess my spirit is speaking to me. Cool. Welcome back.

Thinking back

So tired these past few days. I guess the pregnancy is catching up to me. Two and a half months to go before the little baby boy arrives.

And the little baby girl has been so cranky lately. Maybe she's getting more teeth. She certainly is adamant about what she wants to do. She's starting to throw tiny tantrums. I didn't think those came until the terrible twos. I have forgotten so much about taking care of little bitty babies. My teenagers throw much bigger tantrums and are so vocal.

So back to the spiritual thing. I can hardly help but focus on this area in my life as I continue to read books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. He is so inspirational, and so right on. It seems I was so much farther along back in the day, before the current relationship. I was certainly less selfish, giving myself to my friends and even coworkers when they needed. One of the greatest pleasures I had then was giving little spiritual gifts to everyone, and taking my friends on adventures out into nature where we could just listen to the trees or admire the sky. I loved being a listener and offering advice when it was asked for. I loved listening to my spirit and enjoying those remarkable moments of synchronicity that seemed to occur so frequently. I recall waiting for those things, asking of the Universe and waiting to see what new and wonderful things showed up. It was such fun.

And then it stopped. I think I made the mistake of believing I could help R find his spiritual self. I never realized he would be so resistant to new ideas. I never thought he would belittle my beliefs and make me feel ashamed for living a spiritual life. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. So it became more about trying to please him and win his approval in other areas of my life and my spirituality took a back seat. I lost my footing and fell off the path, and when I tried to find it, I couldn't, anywhere. I was lost in the woods. Lost in the land of R, and I began to resent him for it, feeling trapped in his closed-mindedness, trapped by his judgments. And even worse, I began to echo him. I became more selfish and judgmental, more materialistic and cynical. I lost my strength as a woman, as a spiritual being and became like all the rest. I was mediocre. I was boring. I was turning into a bad housewife where my major concerns were keeping the bathrooms clean and the laundry folded. But this is not me! I thought. The only time I truly connected to my spirit was when I created my art, and that was so joyful. It was all I had left of the old me.

So now, I am trying so hard to reconnect to my spirit, to find my inner voice and reclaim my power. I know that every day is a journey as I try to remember that I can have no expectations of others, of R, and I must stop the judgments and curb my anger. I can be quiet now and know that what he says matters so little in the face of my reality. Yes, I have to live here with him, and we have committed to the raising of our children, but I can get myself back. I can go within and find my strength by listening to my spirit. I can write and I can do art when there is time. There will be time again. And I can love my family for the beautiful spiritual beings that they are. Love everyone.