Home schooling and homesteading

With the holidays over, perhaps I might find time again to write something...anything, again. It has been a hectic few months, to say the least. My mood fluctuates between moderately good and absolutely horrid.

Occasionally I get e-mails from long lost friends who remind me that life is so much more than my moods. Thank you Ronni.

Yes, there will be time again to paint, to sculpt, to create. Even now, I have a work in progress which involves paper mache and making pull toys for the babies (something I saw on Martha Stewart). Sometimes I get to it, sometimes I don't.

The baby boy doesn't want to go to sleep now until 10 or 11 pm, which eliminates any time I might have for me. R is working over time again, 9am until midnight several days. Mid-December my darling fifteen year old decided she wasn't going to school anymore. What!?! So we decided the only option was to home school her. Luckily she finished out the semester and got those credits.

Both R and I have been reading home schooling books like crazy. John Holt, The Teenage Liberation Handbook, etc., trying to come up with a plan. Would it be so bad to "unschool" her? The books all insist that the teenage attitude will change and might even become loving again over time with interested parents who home school. Well, we will give it a shot. Actually, her attitude has grown better already. High school is so hard, and I get that. Her new found freedom may give her the boost she needs to get on with her life.

We have also been researching places to move...again. Why we can't stay in one place is a mystery. Wanderlust. I want to go to the desert, but R refuses and won't budge on that. He wants to go someplace that has ample water. He prefers the north, I think. But I'm not interested in Michigan or Wisconsin, so I threw out the idea of Maine. I was born there in a little town called Bath. And we have been reading the Nearings Good Life books, about their homestead in Maine, right next to the coast. Houses are cheaper there. And, I think perhaps the quality of life is a bit better. Certainly I've been trying to get out of the conservative Christian right wing mecca that I was raised in, for years. Where could I go and stay, finally? Is it Maine. Me who hates the cold and the snow? Is it possible? I told him we must be near the coast then, so I can venture out to the beach on occasion.

I have had a dream for about fifteen years of living a sustainable life. I wanted to build an Earthship and grow my own food and eliminate the need to be tied to corporate systems. After several years with me, I think R has joined in this dream to some fashion. Can we fulfill this lifestyle in Maine? Can I be cold for affordable housing, land and my freedom? Can I find my muse there, under layers of snow and ice? Who knows. And who knows if this will become reality. But today we dream, and I love to search for old farmhouses via the Internet. It can't be all bad. Dreams keep us alive. And I still have my desert dreams tucked away in a corner of my heart. Maybe they will keep me warm on long cold winter days.

My Big Mouth

My father always used to tell me that my mouth would get me in trouble. And as a child, it often did. I believe he was of the opinion that children should not be seen nor heard. But lately, his words keep echoing in my head. It seems everything I say turns out wrong and not as I intended. Perhaps it is the sleep deprivation or my lack of patience after dealing with babies 24/7. Perhaps I am noticing myself more, from that observer viewpoint. If there are two selves within me, one being the watcher and one being the ego based doer, then how do I gain control? And who exactly is the I?

I try to have conversations with my children (teenagers) and my husband, my friends and relatives, but everything ends up sounding so immature and negative. Who am I? I decided that perhaps I should just keep my mouth closed for a while and maybe I would straighten up. So, I stopped blogging. I stopped calling people. I put myself in timeout. I don't think it's working. I sure am lonely now. Nobody calls me anymore. But why would they? I snap at them and state my opinions point blank without any empathy. But really, sometimes I get tired of the same old crap. If they want to continue to tell me their same old problems, without really doing anything about it, then how should I respond?

And then I think, aha! that's me. The people around me are only reflecting back what I'm sending out. I have been whining about being tired, not having any time to paint or write, being a full time, under-appreciated mom, etc. How am I different than anybody else? I'm not. So I should shut up already and get on with it.

Oh, yeah, and for everyone out there I have offended lately, I'm truly sorry.

Time

I'm having a bit of trouble with the whole concept of time not meaning anything. Time doesn't exist in the spiritual realm. But it sure seems that I don't have enough of it anymore. The days are just not long enough to get everything done. The babies take up almost every moment. So I suppose that when the time is right I will gain the extra few minutes I need to catch up on so many things, this blog included.

I will say that I'm trying to be more present in the now more often. And I've started reading "The Course on Miracles." Heavy indeed. I've been stumbling over the language a lot. This is a book that needs some studying, which would mean more time. I wonder if the three or so weeks we have it checked out from the library will be enough time?

And I'm trying so hard not to judge and finding that I judge a lot. Even the simple judgments like "he's mad at me" lead to troublesome thinking. That thinking thing again. More than one person has told me I think too much. Certainly true. But when I'm trying to decipher everything from a spiritual perspective, I can't help but think, can I? I wonder who that is? Is it the spirit me or the ego me? Thinking takes time too. I guess if I give that up there will be more time?

While this post seems to be written in some sort of code or abstract, in my defense, I have been reading Eckart Tolle's "The Power of Now," and watching the Wayne Dyer DVDS when I feed the baby. My mind is trying to take all of this profound wisdom in, and then I have to apply it to my life. Hard work indeed to be on top of every thought, live in the present now, meditate to connect to the source energy, stop judging, and fight my ego.

Oh, and take care of the house and the kids. No wonder I'm so tired and time seems to be slipping away...