Who am I?

Where is my community? Where is my fellowship of artists and writers and free-spirited, enlightened individuals who won't look at me like I'm the crazy relative every time I open my mouth?

I'm having a hard time, a really hard time, trying to live in my ego space right now, with every crazy thing going on. I don't want to be alone, but when I look at my life, I realize I have always been alone--an outsider in my own family, the one who never fit in. Ironically that has not changed, but the abyss of separation seems to have grown larger. I look at my extended family and see more differences. And I am the one to not judge, to not notice the things that make us all live such vastly different lives. It's like I really do live on another planet. I guess that's okay, and it was one of the reasons I tried so hard to get away when I was so young.

On this day, I'm trying to rethink my own existence. Who am I? The age old question. I am a daughter and a sister. But I am also a mother and a wife, an individual struggling to just be herself. Sometimes I am an artist and occasionally I am a writer. Mostly I am just me. No apologies there. I don't fit in any box. I never have and I never will.

One day this week I woke up and thought "What a beautiful life I have here on my little farm with the birds singing outside and my children all healthy." The warm sun shined in through the kitchen window and I stared into the distance at the beautiful Wet Mountains and truly enjoyed a moment. I am thankful for that. I am grateful for the stars in the midnight blue sky, and the quiet that lives here with me in the country.

I may be a little odd to my family and some of my friends, but I wouldn't change any of it. I'm loving the farm adventure and I'm trying to be honest with myself in my own beliefs. I'm still on my spiritual journey, trying to know and master myself and my tired old Ego. That's the best I can do.

The chaos comes closer

Where do I begin to catch up? With my seventeen year old flying the coop? With my older sister finding out she has cancer? It has been tumultuous as of late. I think I'm walking through an emotional minefield.

I feel like my advice and opinions mean so little to everyone around me. Perhaps it is time to be silent. Time to meditate. Time to pray.

The farm is off and going, one year strong. I brought the llama babies home and have been working to become their trusted friends. We now have five goats--all adult female dairy goats. R has been milking Tres and Amelia since they gave birth. He makes soft cheeses flavored with spices, which are a big hit with his coworkers and Co-op members. We sold one dairy share and are thinking of trying a CSA next summer with our garden produce and eggs.

The babies are getting big...2 and 3 now and a handful of energy and willfulness.

I started another blog, a farm blog, http://onelittlefarm.blogspot.com/ which I've been meaning to do for a while now. I got right on it, hoping to set up a donation sight to help with Terry's alternative treatment. I'm not sure she's going to try any alternative treatments, which has me really concerned. Needless to say, I haven't been so gung ho about trying to raise money.

And R is still trying to decide if he really wants to be a farmer. Big news on top of the rest of it. I've been walking from one devastating piece of news to the next. I guess if R bails, I'll try to do it alone. It isn't impossible. I might be able to. We will see.

LLama babies and big plans

I'm getting eager to get my llama babies and bring them home. Dark Vador and Turbo Booster are the names they were given. Sweet boys. But with Christmas around the corner and R spending every cent we had on fencing for the llama and goat pasture, I fear there's nothing left to make a payment on my llama babies this week. That stresses me out a bit. It'll work out.

Been reading about prickly pear cactus, and how to make jams and jellies. Sounds like a new adventure just waiting to happen. We have our share of the little cacti growing wild around the property. I guess the fruits are to be harvested in September or so, so I'll have to wait a while, but I'll keep my eyes open for the little fruits growing on top of the paddle shaped cacti out in the fields. Exciting.

We have plans to build an earth bermed root cellar to store our vegies in when we have an abundance. I hope that is next year. And plans to build a small greenhouse out of the glass doors and windows we found cheap on Craig's List. R is getting some vacation time next week and maybe we can work on some of these things. We also got some trees in the mail from the Arbor Foundation and I was hoping to line the driveway with them. Add a little color and visual interest to our desert dry land. If we could come up with a system to redirect the water from our roof gutters to the new trees, we'd be all set.

So much to do, even in the cold time of the year. But, I'm happy to report the days are in the upper 40's, low 50's again. Now, that's more like it.