Ah, man, it's just not right. I woke with a headache and tried to push it away , telling myself it was a sinus thing, or an eye thing...snow and bright sunshine, but not really wanting to listen to the voice that told me the things I had been looking forward to for days might not be what I expected. I did not want to hear it. Definitely did not, for today was the day I was going to see that house that might turn out to be our future homestead.
I don't think it is. I don't think it can be. It's just not right, and in fact, my mood got more dismal and sour the longer I stayed at said house in the woods. I felt trapped, like someone was trying to catch me in a giant butterfly net and force me into some beautiful insect habitat, complete with flowers and all the things a butterfly could want, but a cage none-the-less.
It was someone else's vision, and it is hard to overcome a dream of a hand built house created with so much love and personal toil, a house that could expand and be modified to fit me and my life, but a house that carries the ghosts of those who came before, and I'm not sure it is my place to require change in a space that was not created for me or my wild children.
It's just not right. And that makes me sigh in sadness, because I so wanted it to be, like a dream almost realized. But, if I ignore my gut feelings like I have so many times before and fall head first into a situation that is not good for anyone, I will be telling myself "I told you so," even as I dig out of the negativity and try to fly free again. I can't go there, I'm afraid.
So, I will stay here, in this place and rethink my options, even as I stare at my high desert land waking up to spring and appreciate the beauty of the Junipers, the Pinon Pines, the sparse prairie grasses and even the cacti. I will watch the birds that have come to live on our land since we brought the flowers, the compost, and the gardens. I will appreciate all that we have accomplished in our two short years here and wait for the season to come into bloom. I will find joy in the rabbits hopping down the path, the quail bringing their babies out for a walk, and the blue sky. I am honored to live in the shadow of the Wet Mountains...a pristine wilderness landscape that greets me every single day.
Maybe this place is right, for right now anyway.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Bio-domes?
Feeling overwhelmed by the state of the world. Egypt...GM alfalfa...global warming past the point of no return...everyone getting cancer...And by the state of myself as I struggle with the weight I put on by eating real food, like butter and homemade bread.
Felt inspired for a minute and possessed by a muse I barely recognized as I painted for four days until "Utopia" was done. It may not amount to much, but it sure was interesting painting it, getting lost in the zone. It has been a long, long time since I allowed myself the luxury of being spontaneously creative. I enjoyed it immensely.
Lost in fantasy, I dream of giant hoop houses that grow pure, organic, natural and uncontaminated alfalfa and hay for my goats and llamas. Each hoop house could have a bee hive to pollinate the plants, and the bees would never leave, so they wouldn't be poisoned by the chemicals sprayed over the new genetically modified alfalfa. Soon, if we want a garden at all, one that is not contaminated, we will have to grow it under cover.
That got me thinking about moving my family into the hoop house too. Why not? The plants, people, and animals could all live in a cleaner environment than our good old beloved Earth. What ever happened to the bio-dome experiments of the eighties? We could sure use that technology and research data now to survive our future.
Who builds bio-domes these days? Who has the knowledge to create a self-contained eco-system within a space that could house a family and their livestock? A ranch under plastic? Creates new meaning to greenhouses when you farm and live in one. This may be the only way we can grow safe, uncontaminated food for ourselves and our families. And, as the atmosphere continues to suck up mankind's poisons, wouldn't it be nice to have some clean air somewhere? A whole little eco-environment. Kind of like the Earthships, but on a grander scale. Every family would have to be self-supporting and self-contained in their bio-dome. If you eat meat, it sure would make you rethink your choices if you had to share your bio-dome with your cows. In a smaller space, those cow farts would add up quickly, creating a new bio warming right in the house you live in. Couldn't blame it on someone else then, could you?
You could grow your own food, and grains for your livestock, all within your bio-dome home. A little piece of earth, before humans destroyed the real thing. We could look out across the land and see everyone else, in their respective bubbles, trying not to contaminate their second chance home. Is that what my painting was trying to convey?
I do have to say though, as everything spins out of control, that I wish I lived in an earthen home--Earthship or Earthbag or old style, real adobe--something that would protect my family from the crazy heat and cold fluctuations we are starting to experience. That is the dream. Either we can retrofit this manufactured home we live in, by banking it with Earthbags, or we can find a spot to build a house that will survive the climate nightmares of the next fifty years. Maybe we can do both. Will the neighbors object to us building new walls of Earthbags around our existing walls? What about the town? Do we need a permit for that? It sure would eliminate some of our wind issues. Maybe we could just pull a giant piece of greenhouse plastic over our two and a half acres.
Maybe we should all retrofit our houses with Earthbags or rammed earth tires, or just turn those suburban tract homes into earth bermed structures....dump a mountain of dirt on one side (north is best...leave the sunny south side open to absorb the heat your going to need when our coal and gas powered furnaces no longer work). We have all got to rethink this mess and figure out how we are going to survive the climate change (heat and cold, massive storms, crazy wind, rising tides) and forget about government red tape. If I listen to the boys in charge anymore I am doomed.
It is time for a global revolution. It is time we stood up for ourselves and our right to life, as the current living beings we are. I'm not talking about abortion here. I'm talking about the people alive right now who inhabit the planet. Don't they have the right to go on living, to survive the mess created by the men in charge? Doesn't that entitle us to collect rainwater if that is our cleanest and cheapest source of water? I think so. Here in Colorado, it is illegal, but I'm done caring. The times they are a changin' and my family needs water to grow food and to drink. Screw the government and permits and farmers down the river who grow poisoned alfalfa and chemically saturated produce that they expect us to eat. No more!
This mama is mad, fed up and ready to jump into action to ensure the survival of her little ones. Maternal instinct is kicking in and the possibilities are endless for me to get involved and make a difference. Join me.
Help change the world. Join the revolution. Build a bio-dome.
Felt inspired for a minute and possessed by a muse I barely recognized as I painted for four days until "Utopia" was done. It may not amount to much, but it sure was interesting painting it, getting lost in the zone. It has been a long, long time since I allowed myself the luxury of being spontaneously creative. I enjoyed it immensely.
Lost in fantasy, I dream of giant hoop houses that grow pure, organic, natural and uncontaminated alfalfa and hay for my goats and llamas. Each hoop house could have a bee hive to pollinate the plants, and the bees would never leave, so they wouldn't be poisoned by the chemicals sprayed over the new genetically modified alfalfa. Soon, if we want a garden at all, one that is not contaminated, we will have to grow it under cover.
That got me thinking about moving my family into the hoop house too. Why not? The plants, people, and animals could all live in a cleaner environment than our good old beloved Earth. What ever happened to the bio-dome experiments of the eighties? We could sure use that technology and research data now to survive our future.
Who builds bio-domes these days? Who has the knowledge to create a self-contained eco-system within a space that could house a family and their livestock? A ranch under plastic? Creates new meaning to greenhouses when you farm and live in one. This may be the only way we can grow safe, uncontaminated food for ourselves and our families. And, as the atmosphere continues to suck up mankind's poisons, wouldn't it be nice to have some clean air somewhere? A whole little eco-environment. Kind of like the Earthships, but on a grander scale. Every family would have to be self-supporting and self-contained in their bio-dome. If you eat meat, it sure would make you rethink your choices if you had to share your bio-dome with your cows. In a smaller space, those cow farts would add up quickly, creating a new bio warming right in the house you live in. Couldn't blame it on someone else then, could you?
You could grow your own food, and grains for your livestock, all within your bio-dome home. A little piece of earth, before humans destroyed the real thing. We could look out across the land and see everyone else, in their respective bubbles, trying not to contaminate their second chance home. Is that what my painting was trying to convey?
I do have to say though, as everything spins out of control, that I wish I lived in an earthen home--Earthship or Earthbag or old style, real adobe--something that would protect my family from the crazy heat and cold fluctuations we are starting to experience. That is the dream. Either we can retrofit this manufactured home we live in, by banking it with Earthbags, or we can find a spot to build a house that will survive the climate nightmares of the next fifty years. Maybe we can do both. Will the neighbors object to us building new walls of Earthbags around our existing walls? What about the town? Do we need a permit for that? It sure would eliminate some of our wind issues. Maybe we could just pull a giant piece of greenhouse plastic over our two and a half acres.
Maybe we should all retrofit our houses with Earthbags or rammed earth tires, or just turn those suburban tract homes into earth bermed structures....dump a mountain of dirt on one side (north is best...leave the sunny south side open to absorb the heat your going to need when our coal and gas powered furnaces no longer work). We have all got to rethink this mess and figure out how we are going to survive the climate change (heat and cold, massive storms, crazy wind, rising tides) and forget about government red tape. If I listen to the boys in charge anymore I am doomed.
It is time for a global revolution. It is time we stood up for ourselves and our right to life, as the current living beings we are. I'm not talking about abortion here. I'm talking about the people alive right now who inhabit the planet. Don't they have the right to go on living, to survive the mess created by the men in charge? Doesn't that entitle us to collect rainwater if that is our cleanest and cheapest source of water? I think so. Here in Colorado, it is illegal, but I'm done caring. The times they are a changin' and my family needs water to grow food and to drink. Screw the government and permits and farmers down the river who grow poisoned alfalfa and chemically saturated produce that they expect us to eat. No more!
This mama is mad, fed up and ready to jump into action to ensure the survival of her little ones. Maternal instinct is kicking in and the possibilities are endless for me to get involved and make a difference. Join me.
Help change the world. Join the revolution. Build a bio-dome.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Teachers and that little devil EGO
In this time of materialism and big spending, I have lost sight of myself. But, even before the season of consumerism was upon us, I had become an ogre of the grandest proportions, ranting and raving over this and that, forgetting every spiritual word I have ever read, apparently. Who am I to judge anyone for the path they take? No one. Who am I to think I know more than anyone else on this small planet, especially when it comes to health and well-being? No one. I suffer in my own right. Would not a more enlightened being avoid creating such chaos in the first place? Maybe. Maybe not.
I look at my relationships with my children, with my spouse, with my extended family and wonder what I am missing in the bigger picture? Are they not my teachers? Yes they are. And when I allow them to "get" to me, is that not a sign that EGO is running this show? Yes, it is.
I have been living in EGO time for a while now, concerned with furthering the cause of health, locally grown food, searching for a sustainable environment to hide away and watch the world fall apart around me. Then I could look at everyone else who thought I was crazy, and say see, I told you so. What is that about? EGO. Just because my causes might be nobler (?) does that excuse the higher self from having some control over the petty child EGO? No. We should ever be aware of EGO's subtle attempts to hoodwink us into a state of unconsciousness where we exist through each and every day, unaware of what is really important.
And what is really important? That is the big question, isn't it? Sure, living a healthy and spiritual life is good. Include in those lofty goals eating right, exercising, meditating, and doing our part to save the planet, and we sure get caught up in ourselves once again. No matter how you look at it, I could be putting info out there that I think is beneficial on the movement to sustainability, but what am I really doing but feeding my EGO? I could write a book, but when I think about any book that is lucky enough to be successful is fodder to feed the "machine," do I want to participate? Maybe. I'd like to have a little bit of success before I die, but how can I do that without being a part of the problem?
I admire people like Ani Defranco who started her own record label and stuck with it, even though it was harder and took longer than signing a record deal with one of the big boys. She did not feed the beast, but she found hard earned success in her own right, because she is a brilliant artist who has something important to say. Good for her. If more of us could learn from her example and never forget that IT isn't about money or how many people know your name, but instead about getting the message out, the message that we have all been hoodwinked by our EGOS into believing that we have to participate in this EGO infested world that is intent upon destroying its own self to get to the top of the mountain.
This month I have been playing King of the Hill. Maybe last month too. My hill consists of information about health and cures for disease, about permaculture, sustainable gardening, naturally grown foods, eco friendly housing, environments that will support life if and when our society collapses. Whatever. My information may be insanity to some and worthwhile to others, but it doesn't really matter. By judging others on the basis of what they don't know, or how they choose to spend their time, I am just a petty Napolean, a bully dressed in spiritual robes.
My oldest daughter sent me a nasty note this week about how I have failed her and continue to do so. About how she's disowning me again and how I will never be a part of her future...her marriage, her graduations, her children. She's done this to me more than once, and every time I cry and re-examine my past with her and try to figure out just what happened that we arrived in such a pitiful state? And then I told her good luck, lots of love and God speed. Whatever. At some point I begin to realize the games people try to play with me, ensnaring my EGO in anger and self-pity, and wonder how I so easily fall into the same traps?
They are my teachers. My beautiful, talented and gifted oldest daughter is one of my biggest challenges, and one of my biggest teachers, for every time I fall into this pattern of behavior, I must stop, shake myself hard out of the EGO induced sleep I am in, and realize I am only a puppet in the hands of my EGO. What would the higher self do? Not react, that's for sure, but that is what I do, nine times out of ten.
When we realize that the players in our lives have their own parts to play out in their own dramas, and the little cameos they play in our own story are just the briefest of interactions, destined by fate to teach us, if we are willing. We must be open-minded and aware, practicing the ability to recognize every interaction from a spiritual perspective rather than from an EGO perspective, and God forbid we should miss them. But the Universe, being of a cyclical nature will bring it around again so we can have another shot at the same message. Aren't we lucky?
So what is important? I'm beginning to think this life is nothing more than an endless array of spiritual tests and lessons, a grand working school of experiences and mistakes that we can only hope to glean the true meaning from. And we keep doing it, over and over and over, like some cosmic teacher is trying to pound it into our heads like a grade school exercise of repetition.
To me, I think it is about love. Fighting the EGO and living EGOless so that we might help our fellow spiritual walkers on the great journey to know GOD or SPIRIT or SELF or the UNIVERSE, or TAO or ALL THAT IS or NOTHING AT ALL. Impart whatever wisdom you have to those who ask and live your life from a place of example. Be the change.
We may drive ourselves to extinction as a human race if we continue on our path of destruction. Okay. It is what it is. I feel compelled to do what I can to change the direction of our future. I'd like to have a green planet that can sustain life for my little kids to grow up in. But, I will also teach others what I know, what I learn, in an effort to help others live a simpler and more sustainable life, if they choose. I know many people will never get off the couch, because that is what they choose to do. Repetition. It doesn't change until you learn the lesson. Wake up!!!! I will try hard not to judge even the right wingers. They have their place in the grand scheme, even if it is only for someone like me to speak out against.
My journey is about mastering the bastard EGO that I fight every minute of every day. When I recognize the little devil for who he is, then he fades and my higher and more intelligent self can get a word in. I am disgusted that I have been lost in the darkness of EGO depths for some time. Christmas is what it is. I don't have to find it evil because it supports so much of what I refuse to believe or participate in. It is what it is. Perception changes everything (right Cole, my old friend?). I choose to love instead of hate. I will try to give information to those who want to hear it, but no longer force my ideas on anyone else. I will find health and be an example, choosing to do my part to live greener and cleaner. I will be creative and share the results with others, if they are interested. We can create a Utopia of peace and a green, clean, sustainable planet where everyone is equal and everyone acts out of love and kindness and the only personal goal is to help others find and experience the shared joy that IS.
I love you, my children, my daughters, for the lessons you bring to me, but I will not participate in any acts of hate and vengeance directed at anyone, including my own self. That's not the way I work. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I am here in spirit for you always, but if you can't be nice, we have nothing to talk about. That goes for everyone else on the planet too. Don't bring your negative garbage into my self-made fantasy of Utopia. Let me live my bliss and you go out and find yours. (Maybe it is on the couch in front of the TV.) At least in my few years on this planet I can have my own moments of joy.
I know. That's still EGO talking. Slippery fellow, isn't he? No one can influence my reality unless I let them. I create the story. It is mine. I guess I still have a ways to go down my own spiritual road.
I look at my relationships with my children, with my spouse, with my extended family and wonder what I am missing in the bigger picture? Are they not my teachers? Yes they are. And when I allow them to "get" to me, is that not a sign that EGO is running this show? Yes, it is.
I have been living in EGO time for a while now, concerned with furthering the cause of health, locally grown food, searching for a sustainable environment to hide away and watch the world fall apart around me. Then I could look at everyone else who thought I was crazy, and say see, I told you so. What is that about? EGO. Just because my causes might be nobler (?) does that excuse the higher self from having some control over the petty child EGO? No. We should ever be aware of EGO's subtle attempts to hoodwink us into a state of unconsciousness where we exist through each and every day, unaware of what is really important.
And what is really important? That is the big question, isn't it? Sure, living a healthy and spiritual life is good. Include in those lofty goals eating right, exercising, meditating, and doing our part to save the planet, and we sure get caught up in ourselves once again. No matter how you look at it, I could be putting info out there that I think is beneficial on the movement to sustainability, but what am I really doing but feeding my EGO? I could write a book, but when I think about any book that is lucky enough to be successful is fodder to feed the "machine," do I want to participate? Maybe. I'd like to have a little bit of success before I die, but how can I do that without being a part of the problem?
I admire people like Ani Defranco who started her own record label and stuck with it, even though it was harder and took longer than signing a record deal with one of the big boys. She did not feed the beast, but she found hard earned success in her own right, because she is a brilliant artist who has something important to say. Good for her. If more of us could learn from her example and never forget that IT isn't about money or how many people know your name, but instead about getting the message out, the message that we have all been hoodwinked by our EGOS into believing that we have to participate in this EGO infested world that is intent upon destroying its own self to get to the top of the mountain.
This month I have been playing King of the Hill. Maybe last month too. My hill consists of information about health and cures for disease, about permaculture, sustainable gardening, naturally grown foods, eco friendly housing, environments that will support life if and when our society collapses. Whatever. My information may be insanity to some and worthwhile to others, but it doesn't really matter. By judging others on the basis of what they don't know, or how they choose to spend their time, I am just a petty Napolean, a bully dressed in spiritual robes.
My oldest daughter sent me a nasty note this week about how I have failed her and continue to do so. About how she's disowning me again and how I will never be a part of her future...her marriage, her graduations, her children. She's done this to me more than once, and every time I cry and re-examine my past with her and try to figure out just what happened that we arrived in such a pitiful state? And then I told her good luck, lots of love and God speed. Whatever. At some point I begin to realize the games people try to play with me, ensnaring my EGO in anger and self-pity, and wonder how I so easily fall into the same traps?
They are my teachers. My beautiful, talented and gifted oldest daughter is one of my biggest challenges, and one of my biggest teachers, for every time I fall into this pattern of behavior, I must stop, shake myself hard out of the EGO induced sleep I am in, and realize I am only a puppet in the hands of my EGO. What would the higher self do? Not react, that's for sure, but that is what I do, nine times out of ten.
When we realize that the players in our lives have their own parts to play out in their own dramas, and the little cameos they play in our own story are just the briefest of interactions, destined by fate to teach us, if we are willing. We must be open-minded and aware, practicing the ability to recognize every interaction from a spiritual perspective rather than from an EGO perspective, and God forbid we should miss them. But the Universe, being of a cyclical nature will bring it around again so we can have another shot at the same message. Aren't we lucky?
So what is important? I'm beginning to think this life is nothing more than an endless array of spiritual tests and lessons, a grand working school of experiences and mistakes that we can only hope to glean the true meaning from. And we keep doing it, over and over and over, like some cosmic teacher is trying to pound it into our heads like a grade school exercise of repetition.
To me, I think it is about love. Fighting the EGO and living EGOless so that we might help our fellow spiritual walkers on the great journey to know GOD or SPIRIT or SELF or the UNIVERSE, or TAO or ALL THAT IS or NOTHING AT ALL. Impart whatever wisdom you have to those who ask and live your life from a place of example. Be the change.
We may drive ourselves to extinction as a human race if we continue on our path of destruction. Okay. It is what it is. I feel compelled to do what I can to change the direction of our future. I'd like to have a green planet that can sustain life for my little kids to grow up in. But, I will also teach others what I know, what I learn, in an effort to help others live a simpler and more sustainable life, if they choose. I know many people will never get off the couch, because that is what they choose to do. Repetition. It doesn't change until you learn the lesson. Wake up!!!! I will try hard not to judge even the right wingers. They have their place in the grand scheme, even if it is only for someone like me to speak out against.
My journey is about mastering the bastard EGO that I fight every minute of every day. When I recognize the little devil for who he is, then he fades and my higher and more intelligent self can get a word in. I am disgusted that I have been lost in the darkness of EGO depths for some time. Christmas is what it is. I don't have to find it evil because it supports so much of what I refuse to believe or participate in. It is what it is. Perception changes everything (right Cole, my old friend?). I choose to love instead of hate. I will try to give information to those who want to hear it, but no longer force my ideas on anyone else. I will find health and be an example, choosing to do my part to live greener and cleaner. I will be creative and share the results with others, if they are interested. We can create a Utopia of peace and a green, clean, sustainable planet where everyone is equal and everyone acts out of love and kindness and the only personal goal is to help others find and experience the shared joy that IS.
I love you, my children, my daughters, for the lessons you bring to me, but I will not participate in any acts of hate and vengeance directed at anyone, including my own self. That's not the way I work. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I am here in spirit for you always, but if you can't be nice, we have nothing to talk about. That goes for everyone else on the planet too. Don't bring your negative garbage into my self-made fantasy of Utopia. Let me live my bliss and you go out and find yours. (Maybe it is on the couch in front of the TV.) At least in my few years on this planet I can have my own moments of joy.
I know. That's still EGO talking. Slippery fellow, isn't he? No one can influence my reality unless I let them. I create the story. It is mine. I guess I still have a ways to go down my own spiritual road.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)